Growing old with grace

I am 65 years old. I have struggled with my mental health much of my adult life. My wife, Robin, is 70 and has Parkinson’s disease. We are both retired from formal paid work. Some of our close friends are older or have greater health challenges than us. The reflections that follow are prompted by a desire to grow old with grace and to stimulate discussions on the topic with family and friends.

The communal dimension

Affluent individuals in the West think in individualistic terms. Perhaps, when it comes to ageing, they may think in a little more in terms of being part of a couple, and perhaps a nuclear family. However, ageing increases our dependence on others: a spouse, children, relatives, friends, neighbours, organisations, and governments. Even if, as individuals, we come to terms with the issues discussed below, that does not mean that our loved ones will. This complicates things further.

Accepting reality

We are all going to die. Unless we have a sudden and unexpected death, we are all going to get older. Gradually, our minds and bodies will decay. Ailments will increase. Physical, mental, and emotional energy and agility will decline. It is tempting to live in denial that this will ever happen, or to deny that it is happening right now. The truth can be too scary, complicated, disappointing, or uncertain to accept. Even if we accept it, our loved ones may not. Even if we acknowledge the reality at an intellectual level, will we deal with it emotionally and at a practical level?

Declining energy

As we age, we have less physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual energy. We get tired more easily and our recovery time is longer. Today, I cannot function without a daily nap after lunch. I must carefully manage my limited energy. I cannot imagine doing many of the things I did a decade ago, let alone when I was young. 

Despite our declining energy, in retirement, we may have more time and freedom than ever before. We may have a new perspective on what really matters and want to use our freedom to avoid being sucked into the cares and anxieties of this world. What a blessing! The challenge is to make the most of our freedom with the energy we do have.

Some people retire from full-time employment and experience “a new lease on life.” Freed from a demanding work schedule and burdensome responsibilities, they have energy and enthusiasm for all sorts of activities.

How do I notice my energy changing? How am I adapting? Will I deal with practical and emotional issues while I still have the energy?

Practical dimensions

There is a whole range of financial, medical, legal, bureaucratic, transport, and housing dimensions to ageing. On the one hand, these complexities can come from individual affluence and living in a country with generous (by global standards) government support. On the other hand, navigating these complexities requires considerable time, energy, planning, and patience. It can be overwhelming. Furthermore, simply waiting until problems escalate to unsustainable levels risks creating unnecessary crises, placing burdens on others, and missing out on potential solutions. This is where accepting reality is important. At some point, we will have to stop driving, riding a bicycle, using ladders, writing books, travelling overseas, using stairs, and possibly living in our current house. Can we accept this? When do we think some of these things might happen? Do we have a plan for how we will adapt? When and how will we discuss this with family members?

Attitude

Facing reality is not easy. Our bodies are decaying. Opportunities and our influence on others are diminishing. Our legacy may be set. Not only are we changing, but so is the world around us. It is not what it used to be. Social and technological change is rapid, increasing, surprising, and not easy to adapt to. Unlike during the bravado of youth, it is harder to deny our limitations and finitude. We now feel them in our bodies. Loss rather than gain may be the norm. Funerals may outnumber weddings and births. Will we truly grieve our losses, whether it is the death of loved ones, a dream, or diminished mental capacity? Stages of grief may include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, not necessarily in a linear fashion.

Spiritual dimensions

The practical, intellectual, and emotional dimensions of ageing cannot be separated from the spiritual. My spiritual life can enable me to deal with the other challenges. Do I believe this life is all there is? Is it preparation for something better? Do I trust Jesus is walking next to me in this life stage, just as He has promised? As I experience weakness, is His grace sufficient for me? Am I looking back at past failures and disappointments with bitterness and shame? Or am I looking forward to being welcomed by Jesus into an eternal home? Do I have the hope of heaven, where there will be perfect love and justice, and no more death, tears, and pain?

A diversity of circumstances and experience

Everyone is different. Some people have excellent health and circumstances, and even when they are eighty years old, they don’t have to wrestle with some of the challenges I discuss here. Perhaps, they won’t have to for another decade. Some people die young. Some people have chronic health problems or disabilities their whole lives. Different family, social, or financial contexts can significantly affect the nature or extent of the challenges I discussed above. To illustrate the diversity I include a graph of the projected age of death for women in Australia who are 65 years old. It shows a large variation in life expectancy.

Some relevant books

Currently, Robin and I are reading three books. Each considers a different dimension of ageing.

"We need to talk about mum and dad" It is by the Australian comedian Jean Kittson and illustrated with cartoons by Patrick Cook. Although it is written for the children of ageing parents it is helpful for anyone getting old. It discusses the complex family dynamics associated with ageing and how to navigate the many dimensions of the practical complexities of ageing.

"Not Old, Not Young, Not Done: Following Jesus in Your 50s And 60s" by Christopher Ash.

"The Gift of Years: Growing Older Gracefully" by Joan Chittister. Although the author is a Benedictine nun, the book is intended for a broad audience. The book challenges our attitudes to ageing, but may be a bit idealistic for some of us.